Gadfly in the Ointment

Username:	Password:
Forgot your password?	Remember Me

Today's writing tip
You can't revise blank pages.

In other news:
Colorado Springs was literally breathtaking. (I trust that the previous sentence amused the strict grammarians in the crowd.)

Sundry Sunday
It just struck me that "various and sundry" is probably redundant. Speaking of which, I jotted down this sentence from an in-flight magazine last November, since it was such a nice example of sloppy writing. "Perhaps more than any other season, fall is the one we most associate with change." Take a moment to savor it. Can you taste the clash of "more" and "most"? (I should add that my own first drafts contain far greater horrors, and even my published works have phrases that make me shudder. But that will never stop me from mocking the gaffes of others.)

I just stumbled across a YALSA poster for the essential YA bookshelf. It's nice to be on it. I'd love to be in the room when Terry Trueman sees it, just to hear him say, "Hey -- I'm only on it once? What's wrong with these people?" (Just kidding, Terry. I add this since I know he will find this mention of his name. Especially if I make it easier by adding some keywords. Stuck in Neutral.) I was happy to see Rules of the Road on it, since that's my favoirite of Joan Bauer's books. The list has a nice mix of classics and newer works. The folks who did it put a lot of thought into it.

I'm off to Colorado Springs tomorrow for a couple events. Then, except for ALA, which will be a blast, I'm done with travel until September.

My next book, My Rotten Life, comes out August 4th. Be prepared for an onslaught of promotion. Speaking of which, I realized that I haven't done anything major to celebrate the release of my last couple books. I really should do something grand for this one. (Beside the thing I'm doing with the 10,000 people on August 11th, which doesn't really count as a book event. More about that later.) I'm open to suggestions.

Obama -- you can check off my daughter's name
President Obama has called for our youth to perform community service. Since I'm sure he reads my blog, I figured this would be the easiest way to let him know he can put a check mark next to my daughter's name. (I can never get through to his Blackberry.) Yesterday, she left her classroom at University City High School in Philadelphia for the last time. She finished her two-year stint with Teach for America. I'm proud of her for sticking with it, but horrified at the conditions she had to face. Despite her experiences, she wants to continue teaching. But not in Philadelphia. (For a glimpse at what the schools are like, read this editorial. For the record, the administration wouldn't let her report the two arson incidents that happened in her classroom.)

Bottom line -- I couldn't be prouder. She accepted a tough job and stuck with it. She reached a lot of kids, and made a difference in some of their lives. If anyone out there knows of a high school or middle school in the Montgomery, Bucks, or Chester County, PA area that needs an amazing language arts teacher (Masters from Penn, Praxis 2 score of 195), please drop me a line.

Of corpse not
I just learned from Lisa Yee's blog that there's a plant called the "corpse flower." In my new book, I made up a plant called, yup, the "corpse flower," which grows only on Bezimo Island. No real harm here, but I wish I'd checked. There are several times when I was glad I checked to see if something existed in the real world, and other times when I wish I had. In my short story, "Dear Author," I made up a name for a kid's favorite author. Digby Morgan. Just to be safe, I Googled the name before the book went to copy editing. It turned out there's a PR firm by that name. So I changed the last name to Morgenstern, as a bit of a wink and homage to William Goldman. Another time, I made up a name for a medication in a novel. After the book was published, I checked and found there was an actual nutritional supplement by that name. I guess the lesson here is to check everything.

Super program.
Okay, the name itself is a mouthful. Yesterday, I was in South Carolina at the State Superintendent of Education Writing Award Program for the Summer Writing Institute. The event itself was invigorating. I spent two sessions with 5th and 8th graders (actually, 6th and 9th, since school was out for the year) who were district-level winners of an essay contest. Smart kids. Fun kids. It is just so energizing for me to speak to groups like that. There is hope for the future.

Conrad add an hour
The subject is a non sequitur, but I couldn't resist, or find the energy to make it fit in a convoluted way. So, anyhow, I had no idea who Lauren Conrad was until I read a blog post by Alex Flinn, who quoted an Entertainment Weekly article about this celebrity and her YA novel. There are plenty of folks who will talk about this, and I'd be happy to join the mockers, but a tangential aspect of the story caught my attention. There's an article in my local paper, syndicated from the Chicago Tribune. The article includes a photo of Conrad signing at Anderson's Bookstore in Naperville, IL. Anderson's is one of the greatest indies in the country. There's a brief interview with Conrad. When asked what she is currently reading, she said she is "between books at the moment," but saw something interesting on Amazon. I can't help wondering whether the interview took place at Anderson's, and whether she had any clue how undiplomatic she was being.

I'm off to South Carolina. Residents of the Columbia area should be alert for unexpected rain showers.

First thought of the morning
A picture book you'll never see:

Cat and Moth are Friends

I saw a dead moth on the floor as I was going to feed the cats. This is unusual. Normally, the fluttering plaything is ingested at the end of the battle. I suppose there are those who would rescue a moth from the clutches of a cat, but I never interfere. Our cats may be killers, but our clothes have no holes.

I'm all wet
It rained wherever I went this year. Every time I got off a plane, the skies darkended, and torrents fell. I can't even guess how many times I heard someone say, "It was beautfiul here yesterday." I've been home for a week, and I just realized that the rain has now decided to dog me even when I'm not traveling. I'm off to South Carolina on Monday. Check the weather. I'll bet it rains.

By the way, let me bounce a random question off you folks. If you were going to be reading a three-minute excerpt of your work in front of 10,000 people in mid August, would you pick a complete short story, or an excerpt from your new book that was released just before the event?

Urgent need for help
I'm starting work on a new book. This means the normally available methods of procrastination are inadequate. I'm running out of ways to avoid getting started. I'd appreciate it if all of you would try to blog a couple extra entries this week. Any topic would be fine. If you made toast this morning, I want to hear all about it. Links are great. Especially links to quizzes. Comments here would be dandy, too. I'd definitely enjoy comments that require a reply on my part. Come on -- if you all pitch in, I have a shot at making this entire week totally unproductive. (Not counting my awesome success in Crackdown now that I've got my hands on a rocket launcher.)

Speaking of physics
It struck me this morning that Bob Saget might be an oxymoron. Can something bob and sag at the same time? A field trip to the beach might be in order. Technically, I suspect that while something is bobbing it is sagging half the time, during the phase of the cycle that brings more than half of it below the center line. I guess that makes Bob Saget a semi-oxymoron. (Please note that none of this is meant to imply anything negative about the man himself. I like his work. This is just a case study in fluid linguistics.)

In other news, I just went over Dead Guy Spy, book two of Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie, for the penultimate time. This pass involved the comments from the copy editor. Next time I see the book, it will be in first-pass galleys. The scary thing about first-pass galleys is that the ARC is usually made from them. So if you see a whopper of a mistake in galleys, you know it's going to be enjoyed by lots of folks.

Gorilla my dreams
This story, like the head of a bull, has two points. I suspect most people will focus on only one of them. First, a bit of background. Republican activist Rusty DePass (I believe the last name is pronounced "deep ass"), made a stupid, ugly comment on his Facebook page. Referring to news of an escaped gorilla, he said, "I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless." He later issued a lame apology and claimed that he was merely quoting the first lady, who often spoke of man as descended from apes. (Not true. She's too well educated to have made any such statement.) Beyond the obvious issue of his total lack of class, lies a problem that should concern all of us. There is a large segment of the GOP that is totally, blissfully ignorant about basic issues of science. Anyone who managed to pay even partial attention in high school knows that Darwin never spoke of man descending from apes. He spoke of a common ancestor. Yet ancient Republicans and Pentecostal preachers continue to wave the straw dog (rattan ape?) of apes or monkeys as our ancestors. Sadly, this ignorance isn't confined to biology. Happily, we seem to be leaving the dark ages of the past eight years. The ignorant are chanting from the sidelines rather than preaching from the oval office. Amen.

I give the digital transition a single-digit salute
I'm so glad the digital transition has arrived. Not because I care how TV is broadcast, but because this means an end to the barrage of ads telling people to get ready for the transition. It's sort of like the day after an election, when all the campaign ads stop -- except we now get to enjoy the zen-like nature of the post-transition messages. It's sort of amusing to watch newscasters telling viewers, "If you can't see this broadcast, here is what you need to do."

School's out!
I had my last visit of the 2008-2009 school season yesterday. I'll cover some of the highlights and low moments during the coming week. But let me recount one charming experience while it is still fresh in my mind. After having lunch with the sixth grade at Solomon Schechter Day School in Mew Milford, NJ, I was hanging out with a handful of students who'd opted to spend an extra ten minutes with me rather than go out for recess.

Three young ladies were sitting on a window sill. "She's the school vampire," young lady #1 said, pointing to YL #2.

"You're sitting in the sunlight," I told YL #2.

She flashed me a huge grin and said, "You've read Twilight!"

I gently explained that the idea of vampires being harmed by sunlight dates back a little before 2005. Maybe even as far back as Anne Rice.

What's a fen weigh?
I don't know why I haven't been to Boston before (excluding one brief trip when I was in college). The city totally rocks. It also sucks. (As in sucking money from your wallet.) But I was happy to feel the pain, since I was there for a friend's wedding, and my wife and daughter were with me. The reception was in the State Room, which has a stunning view, 33 stories above the city. I had a chance to visit the library, and see all sorts of amazing buildings. There's tons of history everywhere you look. Boston is sort of like Philly with clams.

I returned home to discover my phone was dead again. Verizon has promised to fix it on Thursday, some time between 8 am and 6 pm. I hope they meant this Thursday.

Yesterday, I spent the day in a recording studio, doing the audio version of The Battle of the Red Hot Pepper Weenies. I lucked out and got a great producer, Scott Sherratt, who made feel feel I actually knew what I was doing. He taught me a lot. I still can't believe I narrated a whole book in one day.

I wonder what kind of signs they have at Yale?
I saw a sign yesterday on a gate outside Harvard's Memorial Chapel. The sign read, "Please do not poster this gate." I wanted to place a sign next to it that read, "Please do not verb nouns."

Ate you, Brutus?
A supermarket is a perfect browsing place for people who dig stupidity. I just saw a brand of salad dressing labeled, "Et Tu." I have to wonder what that marketing department was thinking. Sure, there's the tenuous connection with Julius Caesar, and one of the varieties was a Caesar dressing, but beyond that, there are two reasons this is a moronic brand name. First, the tranlation of the phrase, "and you," has nothing to do with salad. Second, the line, "Et tu, Brute?" comes in response to one of the most notorious backstabbings in history. That's exactly what I want to think about when I pour glop on my iceberg wedge. (Pass me a knife. Ouch. Thanks.) I wonder what other products this company will produce? Maybe Sic Semper Tyrannis brand salsa. Or, in honor of Reagan's great post-shooting response, I Forgot to Duck brand Duck Sauce." (Perhaps "I Forgot to Duck" would work even better on cherry sauce.) There are lots of other branding possibilities from famous quotes, such as "Let them eat cake." I'd better stop. I'm getting a craving for a titanic wedge of iceberg.

Now we are ten

Happy Anniversary!

10 years, 4 covers, lots of readers.

It seems like only yesterday -- okay, maybe 3,653 yesterdays -- that my first hardcover novel hit the stands. I have lots of memories from back then, but one thing stands out. I'd brazenly asked Chris Crutcher, by way of Kelly Milner Halls, to consider giving the book a blurb. He was kind enough to do that. In his repsonse to my thank-you note, he said, "This one will be around for a while." That's one of the nicest, and scariest, things an author can hear. I had my hopes. But, coming from spending many years in the game industry, where a five-year-old title is relegated to garage sales and pawn shops, I didn't dare think in terms of decades. Much to my amazement, it's still on the shelves, still on summer reading lists, and still finding lots of new fans. What can I say? It feels good. If you haven't read it, you can check out the first chapter here. I don't have any big plans to mark the occasion, but I might do a couple more posts about the book throughout this month.

Road Wearier
It's been a long traveling season. I was home for only two weekdays in March, three in April, and four in May. I have a bit of traveling this month, but I'm right at the point when I start making the transition from traveling speaker to stay-at-home writer. I find it takes me a while to recover the writing rhythm. The world feels totally different when I'm spending the day at the keyboard. I'm starting a new book (#3 in my new series), so I also have the pleasure/fear/joy/ of leaping off the canyon wall. But I'm loving the challenges of doing a series. I haven't written one since 1996. (Yikes -- I hadn't realized I was that old.) It's nice to have familiar characters, and established interactions. It's tough realizing that you can't change history. A character can't suddenly have a house full of siblings (unless his dad is Brad Pitt), or change her speech patterns (unless her stalker is Henry Higgins).

Mini BEA things: I got to chat with Jane Yolen for a minute or two. (I'd hoped to get to her signing, but the bus accident got in the way.) When other folks spotted her (sitting at a table at the Scholastic booth) and began to cluster, I moved along so they would have a chance. I was signing at table 12 when Chuck Closterman was at table 6. I wanted his new book. So I asked the nice people who run the signings, and one of them snagged a copy for me. I walked past the table where Tom Paxton was signing. There was a huge line, but it just felt cool seeing him in passing. I got an ARC of a very cool graphic novel about logic. I tried to snag an ARC of the new Daniel Silva book for my wife, who likes his writing even more than mine, but they didn't have any. Final impression -- there are tons of great books coming.

In other news, I have a major anniversary this month. I'll blog about it tomorrow.

Blunder bus
According to tne nice Verizon guy, the problem with my phone was a broken cupcake. It's a thingee on the pole. There is definitely amusment when a guy with a tool belt uses that word. We did discuss the etemology. Nothing exciting. The device resembles its namesake.

I headed off for Book Expo in NY yesterday, by bus from Bethlehem. As I was enjoying the ride, I couldn't help thinking that, given the dreadful flights of the past season, it would be interesting if the bus had a problem. Sure enough, we had a close encounter with a truck on the approach to the Lincoln Tunnel. We pulled over. A while later, the driver informed us there'd be another bus in 20 minutes. After my multi-hour airport delays, I consider 20 minutes an eyeblink. When I was getting on the other bus, someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was my pal Steven Kroll, who was also on his way to BEA. So all turned out well.

Ave atque vale
A massive and fierce hail storm took out my phone nad internet yesterday. It was amazing to see the leaves strewn on the ground around all of the trees. I'm at the airport right now, checking my mail. (Free wifi.) Don't expect much in the way of new posts here until Wednesday, when the repairfolks are supposed to come. In the meantime, if the subject heading of this entry made you laugh after reading the post, my day is complete.