Gadfly in the Ointment

A modest malaproposition

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:26:27 GMT

I've noticed people have been using "penultimate" as if it means "super totally really way beyond ultimate." This will not do. We've already lost "beg the question." "Bemused" is on shaky grounds, and a variety of other useful words have been mishandled by the mouth breathers. The next time you hear someone say something along the lines of, "Wow, McNabb just threw the penultimate touchdown pass," lean over and whisper something along the lines of, "There's only going to be one more pass? How do you know? Are you psychic?"

Blythe and in color

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:36:30 GMT

In a brilliant example of my lack of marketing savy, I decided that the looming release of Dead Guy Spy, the second Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie book, would be the perfect time to unveil the cover for book 3, Goop Soup. Being ~~stunningly lazy~~ incredibly resourceful, and lacking a jpeg of the cover, I decided to search the internet rather than wrestle with my ancient and badly documented scanner. To my amusement, I discovered that a Google image search for "goop soup" (including the quotation marks) brought up a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow. While she has a site called "Goop," the only thing we really have in common is we both love our Apple. (Though hers is a child and mine is a II.) But I digress. I managed to wrestle the scanner into submission. Here's the cover. I like it a lot.

Palumbing the depths

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:16:51 GMT

I fear it is time for me to reread Palumbo.

If that sentence causes your gut to clench in sympathy, you are probably a professional writer. Or a professional therapist.

If that sentence means nothing to you, be happy.

Miracle merger in Washington D.C.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:27:31 GMT

In an incident that stunned onlookers, Joe Lieberman and John McCain have merged into one creature. The merger occured just minutes ago when the two politicians made the mistake of standing within earshot of each other while they emmitted ear-shattering screeches of indignation and illogic, and performing a series of rapid 180-degree turns. According to one witness, the merger was accompanied by "a sort of gross fleshy sound, like when you drop a large steak on the floor." The resulting entity, which now has two votes in the senate, has been dubbed "Liebercain." Asked for comment, a Democratic spokesperson shrugged and said, "We couldn't tell them apart all that well before now, either."

Testing a blog theory

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:12:49 GMT

I've always suspected that far fewer people read blogs on the weekend. I believe the main purpose of blogs is to give people a procrastination option during the work week. With that in mind, and given that the entry I posted on Saturday took a lot more time than my usual ten-word efforts (I actually included several links, which I'm generally too lazy to do), I've decided to repost it. So, here it is (with one more really cool link added). To help with my scientific research, please let me know if you are seeing it for the first time.

Joy in Mudslingingville

I just missed an amazing chance at either brilliant or horrible timing. Early last week, I had stumbled across an old humor piece I'd written. Since I'd never posted it, I decided to put it in my blog. The piece was about a decision by Kirkus Reviews to start selling reviewers. (A follow-up strategy to their decision to sell reviews.) It was pretty much as tacky, and as funny, as it sounds. Right before I did that, I got an email from a writer who'd been wounded by Kirkus. This isn't unusual. Given that I keep a variety of my anti-Kirkus pieces on my web site (here's one), anyone searching for phrases such as "bad Kirkus review" will find me. Over the years, I've had a lot of writers thank me for easing the pain of a nasty or inaccurate review. The latest correspondent told a tale of purchasing a review, and then receiving not an evaluation of his book but a rant against the subject matter by a biased reveiwer. I decided to hold off with the humor piece, and blog about his story instead. But, since he actually managed to get a promise of a refund, he asked me to wait until the check arrived. I think it was all for the best. Given the somewhat tawdry nature of the humor piece, which would have been quite acceptable if fired in the direction of a living target, I'm glad I didn't end up tossing a grenade at a walking corpse.

While we're on the subject, let me touch on a few more thoughts that crossed my mind. Some folks, in mourning the end of Kirkus, have said it wasn't as nasty as people think. They also say this is the end of honest reviews because nobody else is ever negative. There is a brilliant essay on anonymous reviews by Quinn Dalton on Mediabistro. My favorite line: "Why do we assume that a negative—even nasty—review is somehow more honest, while a good review is only polite?" The whole piece is well worth reading.

My problem with Kirkus was never about one bad review. I received some good reviews from them. My problem was about anonymous nastiness. They created a culture of venom. I'm sure the nastiest lines were shared around the office like treasured baby photos. I'd love to make a public exercise of debunking the idea that Kirkus wasn't all that nasty, and that nobody else is ever negative. If you have an example of either, put it in the comments section. If I get enough material, I'll repost it in a later entry. Examples of inaccuracy in Kirkus (another subject I've discussed with many writers) are weclome, too. For starters, you can read how they gave April Henry a sex change.

I wasn't surprised by the announcement that Kirkus was being killed. It's a miracle they lasted this long. Their circulation was dwindling, and their subscription price was exorbitant. Their one claim to fame -- being first -- was being usurped by the Internet. One of the best articles about them, and definitely the best headline, can be found here: The End of Kirkus Provokes Some Sadness, Some Glee, Some Crickets. Best phrase from the article: "...the hard-to-please pre-publication blurb machine known as Kirkus Reviews." Leon Neyfakh, you totally rock with words.

So, yeah, I'm glad that this snark has been hunted to extinction. I'm glad that the next generation of first-time authors won't have a good chance of being gored by their first review. I'm glad there's one less print forum for anonymnous sniping. And I'm glad I didn't keep silent all these years. My activism might have hurt me in minor ways, but I'm pleased that I never hesitated to speak out, and I'm gratified to be the one who is still standing.

Here's a bonus link to another great blog discussion of the topic.

Joy in Mudslingingville

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 15:26:15 GMT

I just missed an amazing chance at either brilliant or horrible timing. Early last week, I had stumbled across an old humor piece I'd written. Since I'd never posted it, I decided to put it in my blog. The piece was about a decision by Kirkus Reviews to start selling reviewers. (A follow-up strategy to their decision to sell reviews.) It was pretty much as tacky, and as funny, as it sounds. Right before I did that, I got an email from a writer who'd been wounded by Kirkus. This isn't unusual. Given that I keep a variety of my anti-Kirkus pieces on my web site (here's one), anyone searching for phrases such as "bad Kirkus review" will find me. Over the years, I've had a lot of writers thank me for easing the pain of a nasty or inaccurate review. The latest correspondent told a tale of purchasing a review, and then receiving not an evaluation of his book but a rant against the subject matter by a biased reveiwer. I decided to hold off with the humor piece, and blog about his story instead. But, since he actually managed to get a promise of a refund, he asked me to wait until the check arrived. I think it was all for the best. Given the somewhat tawdry nature of the humor piece, which would have been quite acceptable if fired in the direction of a living target, I'm glad I didn't end up tossing a grenade at a walking corpse.

While we're on the subject, let me touch on a few more thoughts that crossed my mind. Some folks, in mourning the end of Kirkus, have said it wasn't as nasty as people think. They also say this is the end of honest reviews because nobody else is ever negative. There is a brilliant essay on anonymous reviews by Quinn Dalton on Mediabistro. My favorite line: "Why do we assume that a negative—even nasty—review is somehow more honest, while a good review is only polite?" The whole piece is well worth reading.

My problem with Kirkus was never about one bad review. I received some good reviews from them. My problem was about anonymous nastiness. They created a culture of venom. I'm sure the nastiest lines were shared around the office like treasured baby photos. I'd love to make a public exercise of debunking the idea that Kirkus wasn't all that nasty, and that nobody else is ever negative. If you have an example of either, put it in the comments section. If I get enough material, I'll repost it in a later entry. Examples of inaccuracy in Kirkus (another subject I've discussed with many writers) are weclome, too. For starters, you can read how they gave April Henry a sex change.

I wasn't surprised by the announcement that Kirkus was being killed. It's a miracle they lasted this long. Their circulation was dwindling, and their subscription price was exorbitant. Their one claim to fame -- being first -- was being usurped by the Internet. One of the best articles about them, and definitely the best headline, can be found here: The End of Kirkus Provokes Some Sadness, Some Glee, Some Crickets. Best phrase from the article: "...the hard-to-please pre-publication blurb machine known as Kirkus Reviews." Leon Neyfakh, you totally rock with words.

So, yeah, I'm glad that this snark has been hunted to extinction. I'm glad that the next generation of first-time authors won't have a good chance of being gored by their first review. I'm glad there's one less print forum for anonymnous sniping. And I'm glad I didn't keep silent all these years. My activism might have hurt me in minor ways, but I'm pleased that I never hesitated to speak out, and I'm gratified to be the one who is still standing.

Kirkus is finally a carcass

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:08:17 GMT

I'm almost too thrilled for words. Kirkus Reviews, that badly written, badly edited snark fest of anonymous and cowardly scribbling is finally going to be put out of our misery. I hear the remaining subscriptions will be fulfilled with Easy Rider.

Ginko? A 9mm Glock? Qi Gong?

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:25:02 GMT

I saw a message board comment yesterday that included the phrase, "for all intensive purposes." It kind of stuck with me, like catchy song lyrics. It's been running around in my head, amusing me (I may have heard someone utter this mangled phrase before, but I don't think I ever saw it in writing), but also making me wonder what item would come in handy for all intensive purposes.

Wipeout

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 02:11:26 GMT

It seems strange that a movie about the man who invented the intermittent windshield wiper isn't even intermittently interesting.

Snow way

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 01:27:40 GMT

I lost my Direct TV signal during the snow storm. So I went out and threw snowballs at my satellite dish until I knocked off the coating of snow. Signal restored. Just call me Mr. Fixit. (Or Mr. SoreShoulder.)

Pro-crust-ean bliss

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:38:49 GMT

I am frequently reminded that I have the best wife in the world. Yesterday, she was making beef stew. While this in itself is wonderful, the story gets better. While the stew simmered in a crock pot, my wife went out to lunch at Panera with a friend. When she returned, she flashed me a smile and said, "I brought you something to have with dinner." She reached into a bag and pulled out a bread bowl. Yup -- my own crusty round loaf of happiness, just waiting to be hollowed out and filled with meaty goodness. Life is good.

Avatarred and Feathered

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:32:49 GMT

Wow -- the Avatar video game is getting trashed by reviewers. Of course, that doesn't tell us anything about the movie. Movies tend to spawn bad games. I think that happens because games need a lot more time to tweak than movies. Playability is much more slippery than watchability. (I worked for a company that sunk a big chunk of its assets into a game based on the movie TOYS. Not TOY STORY, sadly, but TOYS. Of course, the same company, in an earlier incarnation, had come out with both PETE ROSE BASEBALL and BUSTER DOUGLAS BOXING. There's a lesson somewhere in all of this.)

Speaking of games and movies. I'm totally stuck on the XBox version of the Breaking Dawn game. No matter what I try, I can only manage to break 86% of Bella's ribs. I really need 100% to collect the "Birth Right" achievement. If anyone has any tips, please let me know.

I got Jak

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:00:37 GMT

Backstory -- I was thrilled when I heard there'd be a 4th Jak and Daxter game, Jak and Daxter: The Lost Frontier, for the Play Station 2. The second in the series was one of my all-time favorite PS2 games. Sadly, the new game pretty much fails in a number of ways. Basically, it seems they wrote the game for the Play Station Portable, and just dropped it, pretty much unchanged, onto the PS2. (The PS2 has much better potential controls for a game since it has two joysticks, one of which is often used to totally control the viewpoint. In PSP games, the camera control is often limited to rotation, using the shoulder buttons.) The camera controls in this game are broken. Often, you can't even see what you're fighting, or where you're supposed to jump. The frustration level kills any potential fun. I feel sorry for kids who spent their allowance on this one.

This hammers home something I've spoken about in a lot of schools. During Q&A, kids often ask, "What was the hardest book to write?" I tell them that True Talents was the hardest, because I didn't want to ruin the original with a crappy sequel. I actually tossed the first sequel, and wrote an entirely different one. I feel a bad sequel is far worse than a bad individual book. The reader of a sequel come to the book with expectations. There's a sort of social contract. In a way, perhaps the characters belong to the reader as much as they do to the author. This doesn't mean the sequel can't go in unexpected directions. I definitely did that with True Talents. But I stayed true to the characters, and I told an exciting story. I'm pretty sure I gave the readers what they wanted. If not, I suspect I would have heard complaints. Or seen blog postings like my first paragraph.

I have no idea what any of this has to do with the Thanksgiving season or Black Friday. Oh yeah -- now I remember. I'm supposed to be writing the 5th book in my Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie series. Which explains why I'm sitting here blogging. And dusting my shelves. And reading your blog.

I am thankful

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:05:28 GMT

Things I am thankful for...

I didn't have to go with my wife and daughter to watch New Moon.

Hmmm. Let's see. Everything else sort of pales in comparison with that.

NaWaNOtH or whatever

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:42:48 GMT

The mountain of crap that covers my desk during traveling season had grown into an entire range. I'm surrounded by piles of books, papers, and things. My goal is to find the surface of my desk before the start of the spring traveling season. But it feels good to be home. I have one visit in December, but other than that I'm home until February. And I'm a day away from my favorite writing tradition. Let me explain.

Back in November, 1994, when I was working as a game designer, I got an idea for a book about a kid who becomes a vampire. I didn't have much free time for writing, so I let the idea stew and ferment until Thanksgiving. By then, I'd thought through a good part of the opening pages. I sat down that morning and banged out 4,000 words. I kept up a good pace, and wrote most of the first draft during the four-day holiday. The book led to a series sale. Ever since then, I've tried to start a novel every Thanksgiving.

Coincidentally, November is National Novel Writing Month. Given the cuteness of the term "NaNoWriMo," I figured I should come up with a name for what I do. My first thought was National Write a Novel Over the Holidays. (Or, perhaps, "Start a Novel.") But I really don't care what other people are writing, so I decided to ditch the "national" part. And, in the first instance, it was really a chapter book. So I guess it could be "Write a Chapter Book Over the Holiday." I sort of like WaCBOth. It sounds like what a hitman does when he's going after twins. (If we compress "chapter book" into representation by a single initial, we run into problems I will leave for the reader to discern.)

Having said all of this, I am sad to admit I'm not sure what I'm doing tomnorrow. Between travel, the lure of the XBox, and the inevitable post-season cold symptoms, I haven't had a chance to give it proper thought. I could start the 5th Accidental Zombie book, since the first one was begun on Thanksgiving, 2007. I could start my next YA novel. Or maybe the time has come to devote the session to short stories. I'm clueless. But I guess I'd better decide soon.

NiCTatE

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 12:01:49 GMT

Okay, I'm not winking at anyone. I just think NCTE is striving to become part of a full word. (eNChanTEd? NiCoTiNe?) I had an amazing time in Philly. I ran into all sorts of fun people -- Gordon Korman, Jo Knowles, Lisa Yee, David Levithan, Chris Crutcher, among others. I saw Laurie Halse Anderson and Jane Yolen from a distance as they signed for humongous lines of fans. (I love seeing long lines for people I like.) Best part -- my daughter attended. Bester part -- we were just about to go to lunch when we ran into Bruce Coville, who joined us. Bestest part -- anniversary dinner (32 years) with my wife and daughter at Parc.

I'm off to a local school. Two more days of schools, and then I finally get to stay home and write. Just in time for Nawanoth. Or maybe it will be called Lowacboth. We'll see...

Puss in Bootstraps

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:20:03 GMT

IBM has developed a super computer that is smarter than a cat.
Apparently, it is able to slink outside the box.

[Edited to add:] It doesn't come with a mouse.

It's almost time for Nawanoth

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:02:57 GMT

Oohhh... Nawanoth is almost here. I'll explain next week. As for now, I'm down to one more week of speaking and travel. NJ schools today and tomorrow, then down to Philly for NCTE, followed by two days at a local school next Monday and Tuesday. After that, I get to stay home and write books. Or maybe I'll just blog.

Stuff

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:01:32 GMT

I was amused, this morning, to hear someone on the radio say, "If you Google the name 'Johnny Cash' on some sort of search engine, you'll be amazed at how many people cover his songs." I was amazed that you can Google something on Alta Vista or Lycos.

I was annoyed the other day by an email from Continental Airlines. They informed me I need to update my online profile to make sure it contains my name as it appears on my ID. So I clicked the link they sent. I don't mind adding my middle initial. I do mind that the site has no obvious way for me to change my name. I can change my email, and all that stuff, but not my name.

(SPOILER ALERT about the move UP)
I was delighted, while watching UP with my daughter, at her instant response to the site of all those balloons rising above the house. "Shouldn't they have lifted the house even before they were released?" Good point. She's right.

I was relieved when my first flight on Sunday arrived in Atlanta ten minutes early, since I had a tight connection. I was only slightly stressed when we had to wait ten minutes for a jetway driver. No more flights this year. Yay.

Flights of fancy

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:19:10 GMT

I'm departing soon for my last pair of flghts for the year. Loyal readers of this blog might remember my winter charity challenge. Well, there's no snow today. Just a 45-minute connection in Atlanta for the only plane all day that can take me home. What could go wrong? Have fun speculating.

Three things I'm happy about

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 02:25:41 GMT

1. I just had dinner with the Goddess of YA Literature.

2. It was Tex/Mex.

3. She drove.

An awesome state for books

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:17:29 GMT

I love Texas. Yeah, me, a Jersey boy. The thing is, the librarians in Texas work really hard to get kids into reading. I'm visiting five middle schools in Sugar Land (near Houston) this week. In most of the schools, I'm only speaking to one grade. Why? Because many of the middle schools bring in a different author for each grade. Imagine that -- three author visits to coordinate each year. And the libraries have great displays of the Lone Star Book lists. It's just really good in many ways. As I wander around each library, I just marvel at how much good stuff is out there for kids to read.

The kids I've spoken to have been wonderful. I had 7th graders on Monday, and they were among the best behaved I've ever met. The same for today's sixth graders. The teachers were also wonderful. So, yeah, I love Texas. On top of everything else, it's warm. Once I go back home, I won't be warm again for months. But even if it was cold, I'd be happy to be here.

The tarmac less taken

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:39:07 GMT

I flew about a dozen times last winter and spring. I'm down to two flights left for this year. I'm heading off to Chicago this afternoon, and I'm going to Houston on Sunday. Then I don't have to fly again until March. So there won't be another winter travel challenge. (I'm too lazy to look for a link to it.) That's a good thing. Flying is not much fun anymore. Winter flying is dreadful. Though you can get a seasonal flu shot ot O'Hare.

Speaking of which, I'm not worried about the swine flu. I know I might catch it, but I also know there's no way it can kill me. My paternal grandfather died during the influenza epidemic that hit Philly back in 1918. I'm not Lamarkian enough to think this grants me any sort of biological immunity. However, I am enough of a novelist to know that the irony of dying in the same way as my grandfather would be far too trite a device for any sort of good story. So, on the theory that the universe leans toward clever irony and is capapble of tossing out some interesting plot twists, I'm feeling pretty darn invulnerable to flu death. (Though I'm not ruling out the possibility of a freak snow storm taking out my plane this afternoon.)

DST failure

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:07:21 GMT

It appears that Daylight Savings Time doesn't brighten the morning if you get up too early.

Ship wrecked

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:52:19 GMT

My best laid plans have crashed and burned. I'd kept today free to dive into the new Jak and Daxter game. Bad move. Let me explain. The book-publishing world has a dizzying variety of dates: release date, ship date, lay-down (Sally?) date, on-sale date, etc. On top of that, winter seems to include spring, and all of the seasonal boundaries are unclear in my mind. Things in the game industry are simpler, but where there is even a remote chance to misunderstand any aspect of the real world, I have a good chance of being wrong. It turns out that today isn't the release date for new games, it's the ship date. So the games ship to the stores today. These games will be available tomorrow. I won't be available tomorrow. On the bright side, I'll have something to look forward to when my travel marathon ends.

Speaking of bright sides, The Big Stink, book 4 in the Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie series went off to copy editing yesterday. One more book to go.

Anyone who has absolutely nothing to do for an hour and has about 63 meg of available disk space can check out a podcast where I'm interviewed by the clever and astute Rick Kleffel. I'm flattered by the write-up he gave me.